Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
