I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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