The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
