I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
