Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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