Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
