He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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