ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
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