I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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