Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
