just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
