I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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