Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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