do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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