okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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