Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
