you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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