I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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