I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
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