haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
