xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
