I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
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I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
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I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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