don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
