Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
