Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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