normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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