tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
