You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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