GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Randomize
