Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
