I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
