probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
