I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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