there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
