i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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