He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
