so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
