so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
