my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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