I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
