Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
