I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Randomize
