i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
