When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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