my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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