I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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