just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
