If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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