How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
