I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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