I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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