All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
okay pat passed out under dana's car
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
