like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
