Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I met the friendliest cop last night
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
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My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
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His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
3 2 1 whiskey
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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