does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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