Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
