I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
