At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
