Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
