this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
